Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Let's play pretend.

Pretend that you are sleeping in my bedroom, also that you are me.  Pretend you awake to hear like a rustling sound.  You open one eye, and you see your fat, cancerous, old cat, whom you love, scuffling around in a paper bag in which you have gathered some clothes for giving away.

So your first thought is, that damn cat is going to pee in those clothes.  So you fuss her.

The cat goes "brack!  Bicaback! pkkack!"  and continues to pat the bag.

A second later, she crouches down, shakes her ass, and then pounces an inch or so to the side of the bag.

Brack!  Pkkack!

She is clearly smiling.

You are still in your bed, now wondering what kind of critter she has found.

You can hear it walk across the bag now, crinkle, crinkle crinkle.

A mouse.  There is a mouse in your bedroom.  This is NOT THE TIME FOR PANIC OMG OMG OMG.

Bicaback!  Prrack!  Wacka-wacka!

And now, said rodent is walking across your floor, almost into the bathroom door.

Only - get this!  IT IS NOT A MOUSE.  

Walking across your room is the mother of all cockroaches, the biggest Wood Roach/Palmetto Bug/Outside Roach/Satan's Minion you have EVER SEEN, easily 3 inches across.

Eventually, your cat chases it up a wall in your bathroom, and you run out to fetch the can of Bengal Roach Spray from the other bathroom (if you don't own this, go buy it.  they didn't ask me to say that, I say that because that crap kills the big roaches.)  You spray the monster, it falls from the ceiling into your bathroom, and eventually dies.

1) You make sure that your cat gets extra lovin'.

2) You make your teenage son remove the carcass.

3) You never feel comfortable sleeping in your bedroom again.

Those things can fly, you know.

Happy pretending!

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