Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Little Lush

You know how to guarantee that I will have a good birthday?  Give me beer.  A LOT of beer.

It was a great weekend, though, seriously.  I came really damn close to maintaining a buzz, straight through.

Friday night, I don't even remember.  I know I drank beer.  I don't remember doing anything else, so I think I probably just watched television.  Who cares?  It was fun.

Saturday, we went to Baton Rouge to watch my nephew's dance recital, which was outstanding.  Some of the dances were really remarkable, and some of them were adorable, and yes, a few were a little boring, but my very funny brother sat next to me and made me giggle.

And we got there in time for a beer before the big show.

And then we went to my brother's house, and drank more.  Oh, glorious.

And my brother fried fish and potatoes and hush puppies, and it was the Best Dinner Ever.  Yum.

On Sunday, I had to get up early for church, but that was all right.  After church, I felt a little groggy and a little hungover, so I ate some Taco Bell and took a nap, and then my friend Melissa called to ask us to come over and sit by her pool and drink daquiris.  Yes, please.  Hair o' the dog.

The baby and I sat over there for about six straight hours.  It was so, so, so fucking nice.

And then there was Sister Wives and Mad Men.  You know what is better than a Sunday?  NOTHING.

Monday was about chilling out, doing some house work, stuff like that.  And then my mother called and asked us over for a boat ride and to cook out.  Yes, please.  And so we did that.

And drank beer.

Tell me what could better?  Not a goddamn thing.

It's awfully nice to turn 32.

My name is Sarah, and I have a good life.  A good, good life.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Fifty Shades of What the Fuck?

So there's this book, this Fifty Shades of Gray book, that everybody is talking about.  My friend T-Rex's friends, mainly 20-30 year olds, are gushing with how much they love it, but the internet has accused it of being completely awful.

"Mommy porn" is one way I've heard it described.

Not for nothing, but my friend Melissa has told me that you can download your fill of porn books on the kindle, if that's your thing.  I gather it is a little like reading the letters of Penthouse, or those goddamn "Silhouette" romance novels I read when I was twenty, while I drank wine coolers.

What's going on here?  I mean, I couldn't even watch "The 40 Year Old Virgin" because I got sort of grossed out by the concept and the scene with the morning wood.  Perhaps I am a giant prude.

Rather unrelated, for Mother's Day, Beanie bought me (his newly single mother) a giant "body pillow," that just so happens to have a slightly furry, black pillowcase on it.  I like to call it Tyrone.  I have lots of fun thoughts about the baby reporting how "mommy sleeps with Tyrone every night," and how he himself "wikes to cuddle Tyrone."

This is the good life.

Additionally, my other son made me a card, as one does in Kindergarten, shaped like a teapot.  Inside, he had taped a bag of tea.

"I picked out what kind of tea to give you.  I gave you 'Sweet Dweams' so you can sweep a wong, wong time."

Holy shit.  It's arsenic tea.

Sweet and creepy, all at once.

My daughter-in-faux, being a girl, did up a really nice basket, with a journal and a notepad and some bits of jewelry and a pretty soap, with a dragonfly on it.  Perfection.  Girls rock.

And...  I'm just going to throw it out here... my birthday is in two days.  I'm actually turning 37, but I think I'll claim 32.  I feel sure I can get away with that.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Party Girl

This weekend was SOOOOOO busy, y'all.  I was busy like Katy Perry.  Or something.  But I felt really good about it.  Check it...

On Friday, I got invited to join my sweet old lady, whom I love, at a very classy party, one of the premier events of the season in this town.  Truth be told, it's a party I have watched from the ground (being that it is on a rooftop) for years, always envying those in attendance.

I wore the itty bitty black dress, again, and I looked foxy.  REALLY.

So did my old lady.
T-Rex says our back-to-back picture is magazine quality.  Not sure about all that, but I looked cute.  So whatevs.

Anyway, I was a little bit nervous until the mother of one of my friends (the girl below, actually) came up to me early-on and said, "I just have to tell you, you look wonderful."  Which was pretty much a night-maker.

Until the same girl's husband used the word "beautiful," that is.  Girl felt HOT.  And I am fully aware that this girl is among the cutest people in the history of time, and yet I let myself be photographed WITH HER.  Because I am both brave and stupid, and had a few beers.

All good.


It was a fun night, and there were lots of fancy people there, and the music was great, and I did not dance in public, so that's a big win-win-win.  Oh, and there was so much (delicious) food that I didn't even get to try all the food I wanted to try, because I got full first.  LAMEASS.

On Saturday, I wasn't really planning on doing anything, but then a friend was all, "hey, you coming to the concert in the park?" and I was all, "okay."  So I did.  Me and the doodlebug, and it was great because they had all of these things that little kids could build and paint and there were alligators they could hold, and everything.  BADASS.  And I like those people, too, and I also, well, looked good.

Here's right after I finished blowing dry my hair.  Mostly, I just want to show off my pretty shoulders and the cool cut of this shirt.  I was making a goofy face.  Forgive me.

I think I might wear that shirt every time I do anything social for the next year.  It was a very cool shirt.

So the weather was PERFECT for an outdoor concert, and the doodle and I had fun.  Me, because I like drinking beer outside.  Him, because there was a nice shady spot for him to sit in while he played with his new Nintendo DS (courtesy of "Nannee 'Lisa, who is nis.").

While he did that, I did this:
Ahhhhh, Louisiane.  I do love you.


On Sunday, of course, we went to church, but then, it was beach time!  And you may or may not know/care, but I recently purchased a bikini, and the beach to which I go is frequented by big fatasses from Mississippi, who wear bikinis, so I figured I would fit in just fine.

And so.

First time my tummy has felt the sun since I was, say, five.

And I got a LOT of sun.

I would say this is pretty much an ideal weekend-before-my-birthday.

I'm turning 37.  People keep guessing 32.  People are terribly nice.

I hope you had a nice weekend, too.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Graduate's Mom

Dear Beanie,

Tonight you graduate from high school.  You've had a pretty rocky year, and through no fault of your own, have had to face down some dragons this year.  I want you to know that I have never been prouder of you and how you have handled it all.  You are a remarkable person. 

Tonight you graduate from high school.  I keep flashing back to moments from your childhood.  Aunt Carrie's wedding, when you were seven, remember?  You really, truly thought you might be Spiderman, in that you had been bitten by a spider, and you had an Uncle Ben.  You spent the entire reception jumping into a crouch and flexing your wrist, hoping for web to fly out.  You were the cutest child at the entire wedding.

Tonight you graduate from high school.  I can't believe how fast that time has gone by.  Do you remember when you were in second grade, and the World Trade Centers were attacked?  I couldn't wait to get to you, but I didn't want to pull you out of school early, because I was afraid you would be scared.  As soon as school let out, I was there.  You knew something was up, and I took you to McDonald's.  In the drive through line, buying you a McFlurry, I said, "I need to tell you something."  Do you remember?  I do.

Tonight you graduate from high school.  Remember when you were in the sixth grade talent show, and you drummed along to "We Built This City"?  Remember how the other kids went bananas over you, and how you had a moment of ultimate coolness, because, really, nobody is cooler than a drummer?  I was so glad you had that moment.  I think that might have been the only time you really understood how amazing you are, for that moment.

Tonight you graduate from high school.  Remember when you were a freshman, running Cross Country, knocking my socks off because you were so fast, so lithe, so incredibly much like a gazelle, running with strides that were literally five feet long?  I do.  Every time you left the starting line, I was fine for about ten minutes, and then I would start to panic.  What if he is hurt?  I thought.  What if you had fallen, twisted an ankle, broken your leg?  Of course, you were fine (even if you did push yourself so hard that you threw up at the finish line, pretty much every time.)  Of course you were.  You were amazing.  You inspired me.  You still do.

Tonight you graduate from high school.  Remember when you were granted the Person of Integrity Award by the Masons?  Remember how creepy/cool it was that we were invited into their Grand Poobah Room, and we got to watch the ceremony?  You were lovely with your big smile, pretty girl at your side.  I think that was the first moment when I felt like you were grown.

Tonight you graduate from high school.  You ARE grown, you are ready.  I believe in you.  I know that you are going to accomplish great things.  I know you are going to make an impact on this world, a real, live impact.  You may cure a terrible disease, or be the president that balances the budget.  Or, as you plan, you might become a very good high school history teacher, and you might inspire one kid to grow up to make a mark on the world.  And you know what?  That is enough.  More than enough.  All my life, I have learned that the only thing I have ever done that matters is parent you and your brother.  The impact you make on the next generation will carry forward forever.

Tonight you graduate from high school. You are already ready, I really don't need to give you a lot of advice.  All I can say is this:  keep doing it.  Keep being you, because you amaze me every day.  Try to be kind, try to be honest, try to do the right thing.  Look out for people who are smaller than you.  Pray.  Lean on your family, we will always be here for you.  Love with every ounce of your heart, even if it gets broken.  Dance like a white boy.  Don't drink alone.  Wear your seatbelt.

Tonight you graduate from high school.  I love you so much.  I am very proud of you.  You truly are remarkable.  Congratulations, my boy.   You are going to rock this world!


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Dory from Nemo

Last night, I sent the following text to my brother:
Shit!  Yosemite Sam's real name is Sam Schultz!  I named my kid after a Loony Tunes character!
About 20 minutes later, I got the following back:
You're senile.  We've had this conversation like 3 times.
What sucks is, he's probably telling the truth.  The conversation continued as follows:

Me:  God Dammit
Him:  We just did it via text on Nov 14.
Me:  God dammit.  I haven't even been drinking.
Him:  Also, search theskinny.  The clip is posted some time back.
Him:  Senile.
Me:  Times like this, I hate myself.

My mom has this horrible habit of calling the kids the wrong thing.  She's confused my brother and Sam's names for years, to the point where they pretty much both answer if she says either name.  Now she's getting that way with the little boys.  Caleb and Kolya's names are too close.

And she also happens to tell the same story, thousands of times.  To the same people.  Oh, God, does she ever.

If you are really lucky, you can hear the same story also from my dad, and possibly my Aunt. 

But obviously, I don't have room to say a word.

Holy shit!  Did I tell you that I realized that my kid's name is exactly the same as a Loony Tunes Character??

Someone get me a beer.