Monday, August 10, 2015

Bikini Wearer?

It's unholy ohmygodforreal hot here, in Louisiana, in August.  The baby is back at school and people are legitimately wondering if they will be allowed to go outside for recess.  It truly is THAT hot.

But that's not what I want to talk about.  I want to ask this.  Should I wear my bikini?

Yes.  That.

Here is the picture.

I am 5'3".  I weigh 138 pounds (which is pretty goddamn fantastic, honestly).  I have a concave behind, an extraordinarily short torso, a helluva a belly, and a wide rib cage.  And a rack.  I have a hefty, though adorable, rack.

From the front, I look relatively slender.  I'm not wide on the sides.  I have tiny hips.

In profile, though, sweet Christ.  I look like Hank Hill.

If I lie on my back, all the fat slides away and I look like I have abs.

All of this said, I'm going to wear the bikini.  I wear it in Hancock Co., Mississippi, where the average person must be considered morbidly obese.

I wear it out in the back yard, where I sweat for an hour in a desire to look black (for my next show, this is an actual thing, not a racial slur) until I can no longer bear the oppressive, heavy, disgusting heat that is right now.

I do not wear it in front of my mom.  I did, once, and she said, "If you pulled it up it would hide your love handles."  I could not pull it up even a millimeter more.

Would I wear it at my gay friends' house/pool?  Probably not.  Am I skinnier than said friends?  Yes, but they are dudes and the rules are different.  Am I skinnier than their other (female) friends?  No.

Would I wear it to the water park?  Maybe.  It depends on if my mother is going.

Would I wear it on the boat on the 4th of July?  Not a chance.

Would I wear it to my friend KT's dad's house, with it's gorgeous pool?  Highly doubtful.  Even though this one time, a girl named Crystal wore a bikini there, two-fisted beers and made me pretty much entirely envious of her entire existence, and she had to weigh close to 200 lbs.

Later, that same year, Crystal died.  That's a sad ending to a girl who I found very inspirational.

Fuck it.  I want to wear the bikini.  Invite me to swim.  Invite me to a water park.  I need to get blacker and I need to show my fat little tubby belly and I need to get to a point where I can do that without worrying about it.

I want to wear the bikini.