Monday, August 10, 2015

Bikini Wearer?

It's unholy ohmygodforreal hot here, in Louisiana, in August.  The baby is back at school and people are legitimately wondering if they will be allowed to go outside for recess.  It truly is THAT hot.

But that's not what I want to talk about.  I want to ask this.  Should I wear my bikini?

Yes.  That.

Here is the picture.

I am 5'3".  I weigh 138 pounds (which is pretty goddamn fantastic, honestly).  I have a concave behind, an extraordinarily short torso, a helluva a belly, and a wide rib cage.  And a rack.  I have a hefty, though adorable, rack.

From the front, I look relatively slender.  I'm not wide on the sides.  I have tiny hips.

In profile, though, sweet Christ.  I look like Hank Hill.

If I lie on my back, all the fat slides away and I look like I have abs.

All of this said, I'm going to wear the bikini.  I wear it in Hancock Co., Mississippi, where the average person must be considered morbidly obese.

I wear it out in the back yard, where I sweat for an hour in a desire to look black (for my next show, this is an actual thing, not a racial slur) until I can no longer bear the oppressive, heavy, disgusting heat that is right now.

I do not wear it in front of my mom.  I did, once, and she said, "If you pulled it up it would hide your love handles."  I could not pull it up even a millimeter more.

Would I wear it at my gay friends' house/pool?  Probably not.  Am I skinnier than said friends?  Yes, but they are dudes and the rules are different.  Am I skinnier than their other (female) friends?  No.

Would I wear it to the water park?  Maybe.  It depends on if my mother is going.

Would I wear it on the boat on the 4th of July?  Not a chance.

Would I wear it to my friend KT's dad's house, with it's gorgeous pool?  Highly doubtful.  Even though this one time, a girl named Crystal wore a bikini there, two-fisted beers and made me pretty much entirely envious of her entire existence, and she had to weigh close to 200 lbs.

Later, that same year, Crystal died.  That's a sad ending to a girl who I found very inspirational.

Fuck it.  I want to wear the bikini.  Invite me to swim.  Invite me to a water park.  I need to get blacker and I need to show my fat little tubby belly and I need to get to a point where I can do that without worrying about it.

I want to wear the bikini.

Saturday, June 20, 2015


The kid flushed a washcloth down the toilet.

Know what that does to a toilet? 

I didn't, either, but miraculously, it flushed all the way and nothing bad happened.  I consider this a miracle.

The kid, this boy, and I are doing fine.   We just got parts in another play (he finished with Drama Camp, so this makes his 5th).  I'm playing my dream part, with beautiful solos and an amazing cast, and I don't have to be a lesbian.  I can't freaking wait!

And the other kid?  He and his wife are having twins.  TWINS.

So between being the boss at my job (and doing a damn fine job at it, too), still continuing as the youth music leader at church (and doing a damn fine job at it, too), enjoying the company of an almost-nine-year-old, and expecting twin grandbabies, my life rocks.

Oh, and I'm teaching piano lessons, too.

And doing a damn fine job at everything.

I'm such a grownup all of the sudden.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Holy shit, I have a blog that I forgot about


So first things first. I quit that new job.  It was awful, y'all.  Humiliating.  Degrading. So on Monday, I went to work, handed the worst boss my key and my computer, and told him I don't want to work there anymore.  And I left.  And I went to the beach.  It was magical.

In other news, I did a show.  First show since 1992.  I played a big old crazy lady and a little lesbian girl, and I had a solo, and I fell completely in love with theater all over again.  There will be more.

By the way, I start my new job on Monday.

I guess what I'm saying is this.  If you are my boss, you don't get to yell at me about your personal life, about wifi I have no control over, or tell me to pick up trash on a New Orleans street corner.  I'm the boss at new job.

Pretty sure this is the best Easter ever.