Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Safety Ear Plug Needer

Let's play a game.  Let's pretend it is your work, and you pretty much have to be there, but there is jackhammering going on right outside your building, ergo, right outside your "office."  We can pretend you have a real office and don't work in a reception area if you want to.

Here's what makes that okay, at least somewhat okay.  Your boss doesn't bother to come into work until mid-afternoon, because the noise hurts her back.

Noise.  Hurts her back.  For serious.

Meanwhile, let's talk about how, the other day, you were at your mom's house, drinking with your mom and her friend, and you mentioned how much more fun you would have at work if you could have alcohol while you were there.  And then, all serious, your mom and her friend begin to tell you how simple this is to accomplish:  just fill up one of those grown-up sippy cups that we all have with Vodka, buy a diet coke for a mixer, et voila!


Yes.  My mother was trying to tell me how to be an alcoholic.  As per usual.

One of my friends said that I'm not an alcoholic, because I don't go to meetings.  Perfecto.

Anyway...  so the baby has been out of town for 10 days, and I'm suffering from serious silliness withdrawal.  He's coming home today, hopefully we can right this imbalance very quickly.

This is off topic (what topic, really, did we have?), but I've taken on a second job.  My very good friend Melissa, she has a distaste for laundry.  I know, right?  How can you not LOVE laundry?  Seriously??!!

But anyway, she went out of town, and I stole some of her laundry, and she has since concluded that she thinks it is worthwhile to pay me to do some of her laundry.  I don't even get that.  It's like being paid to eat candy.  Right?  I know!

But I'm stoked.  I enjoy it, and it basically will cover my extravagant desire to eat Outback on a regular basis.  ThanksbetoMelissa!

And that's all that's new.  So, pretty much nothing.  You know what?  I like cheese.  And bread.  Together or separately.  Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Gay Man's Girlfriend

I've been thinking about men.

Don't get me wrong, I've sworn I'm done with dating, and, I am, except unless they want to buy me free food or take me to a football game.  I do like football.

So I have kind of figured out my plan.  Let me know what you think.

I want to find a guy who is gay, and who knows he is gay, and who is OKAY with being gay (or is HAPPY to be gay--- even better!!!), but who needs to appear to be straight for whatever reason.  Let's say, his very religious and wealthy mother would disown him, or he works for the vatican but, obviously, not as a priest.

This man needs a "girlfriend," so that mama would keep his trust fund up, etc.

Here's why I'm the perfect person for this job:

1.  I'm ridiculously cute.
2.  I'm smart and well-spoken.
3.  I'm good at lying about the man I'm with (have had a rather lot of practice, ha ha)
4.  I'm a happy drunk.
5.  I have no interest in "hooking up."
6.  I'm fine with him "hooking up" with another guy, even while I'm at the event, as long as there is alcohol and a tv.
7.  We can share skin treatments and get pedicures together, and he will just look even more awesome because he is "in touch with his feminine side."

I'm so freaking serious, this is perfect.  If you know someone who needs a me, which is more or less, a sexless whore, let me know.  Straights need not apply.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Boring McBoring Blogger

My little baby boy is about to turn six.  Whoop-tee-doo, right, but it is.  He will only have a sixth birthday one time.  So shut up.

And so, I'm figuring out what to do for his birthday, which is to say, make him taco pie and give him a present.  Because that sweet baby needs a present.  OF COURSE HE DOES.

(actually, he needs nothing in the world, but I'll give him one, or three, because I really love him a LOT.)

After his dinner on Sunday, he's going to go away with his grandmother for a week, and I'm going to miss him like madness, but... it's good for him.  And probably for me and the Bean, too.  We have going-away-to-college shopping to do.

Gah.  Did I really just write that?

I don't have a lot of other things going on.  Just, you know, work, fireworks (which I didn't go watch, this year, so fuck it!) and church.  Time at the beach (because that's what I DO).  Time with friends.  On boats.  Because that is also what I DO...

Rolling along, round here.

To un-boring-ize this a little bit, I'll give you a video of a kitten, doing something that my kitten totally does:

Happy birthday, America.  Mama loves you...