Monday, December 2, 2013

Half Marathoner.

The bottom line is this:  I ran 13.2 miles on Saturday, and I freaking mutha fucking LOVED IT and I ROCKED IT and I am PROUD.


Here's what's crazy, I can pretty much remember each mile of the race.  It went like this:

Mile 1 - why isn't my music playing? It's cold.  I can't see the face of my phone and I can't make the music play- oh wait, I was pressing the down button instead of the up button on the volume.  Oh look, a mile already?  Wowza.  I kind of need to pee.  Water?  Already?  Well, why not.  Bottom's up.  I kind of need to pee.

Mile 2 - I kind of need to pee.  Look at those guys peeing in the bushes.  I wish I were a guy.  I wish I had a ponytail like that girl.  She's got to be hot in that jacket.  It's not cold at all any more.  I kind of need to pee.  Oh, he must have had a rock in his shoe, bummer for him.  There is a canal here?  Who knew?

Mile 3 - I kind of need to pee a lot.  None of these bushes look awesome for peeing, but I will if I have to.  hummdyhummhumm I need to peeeee hummdyhumm OHHELLYESAPORTAPOTTY.  And a water stop. Let's eat a gel and then pee so my hands won't be dirty until after I eat something.

Mile 4 - Game on, muthafuckers, I'm in the zone.  Look at me just a-smiling.  I like those girls' shirts ("Tramps like us.") and the team with the orange "13.1 - We are only HALF CRAZY" - I wish I were one of them.  It's flipping GORGEOUS out here.  Look!  Space ship parts!  (the race was at a space center.)

Mile 5 - I love everythingggggggggggggggggggggggg let's eat a gel smiley smiley smiley.

Mile 6 - STILL LOVE EVERYTHINGGGGGG smiley smiley smiley that girl that I'm passing right now has a big ol' bohonkus.  I also think it's weird to be running a half marathon in jean shorts but I lovee youuuuuuuu smiley smiley smiley.

Mile 7 - High fived a stranger.  Love everything.  Ate a gel.  Love love love love smiley YOU ARE ALL MY BROTHERS.

Mile 8 - Two random people.  I just caught them after trailing them for two miles.  Eek.  "Do you have sunscreen?"  I asked the girl.  "No," she said, smiling ruefully.  Bummer for her.  I will stick with them for a little while.  He says "pretty weather, right?"  I go, "yeah!"  He goes, "perfect for running!"  I nod.  This is not the time for a conversation, but I appreciate you being friendly.  Sign - "Great job, random runner!"  I love them.  LOVE EVERYONE.

Mile 9 - Leaving the random people.  A race official on a bike brought her some sunscreen.  That was nice.  See some of the full marathoners, now.  Eat a gel.  Home stretch now.  Hey, I haven't walked yet.  I was supposed to start walking by, like, mile 6.  Whattha....

Mile 10 - Hmm.  Not loving EVERYTHING but I can taste victory.  Just realized that I may actually FINISH this race.

Mile 11 - Getting tired.  Gel.  Also some extra chomps.  Because I can.  Still running.

Mile 12 - Out of my way, dude who can't run any more.  I know you are tired, and I'm about to cry.  But move, because I am NOT WALKING.

Mile 13 - Around the last curve, and there are lots of people cheering and ringing noise makers.  At the last possible minute, the first marathoner flies past me - I was lapped by 13 miles.  Imagine.  Doesn't matter.  I go around that last curve and the finish is directly ahead of me.  "It's right there?"  I ask a stranger.  "Yes," they say.  "You have got this."

I had it.  I may or may not have cried a little bit at the end (SHUT UP.  YOU WOULD HAVE, TOO.)  Think about it like this.  I'm a fat, middle aged woman with a 30 year smoking habit just barely behind me, and I just ran a half marathon.  Note, I didn't walk/run it.  I ran it.  I had hoped to finish in 2:50.  That would be an average of 13 minute miles, a touch faster than my long training runs were.

Actuals are below.  A few things to note:  My splits ROCKED.  Hello, very, very smart race.  Less than a minute's spread across the whole freaking race, not counting my potty break at mile 4.  Also?  Note that I kick total ass.  Average speeds well under my intended.  TOTAL ASS.

I am superman.  I am the terminator.  I am ready for a tiny little 13.1  tattoo.

I kick ultimate, total, amazing, utter, unbelievable, incredible, outstanding, complete ASS.

Who wants to be me?  EVERYONE.

Bring on 26.