Thursday, March 6, 2014

Lessons from Rocky - III & IV

The other night, I was clean worn out, due to having been to Bacchus the night before (because, fuck it, I live in Louisiana, my kids weren't in town, and it was time to party), and then having to work that day.  It was the night before a holiday, though, so I allowed myself to wander around in the twilight land of sooooo-sleepy-but-not-asleep, flipping through channels on the tv.

ROCKY II was on.  And it was just starting.

So I watched it, loving it so much, half rooting for Apollo, but just in general, being all enchanted.

And then they started with Rocky III.  I knew I wouldn't make it through that one, so I ran out to the living room and tuned up the DVR to record it, as well as Rocky IV.  I did NOT record Rocky V.  It sucked.

So the next day was Mardi Gras, and it is a holiday for us, and it was raining, cold and disgusting, so I didn't go down to any parades.  I cleaned my house, scrubbed the bathrooms and the floors, did all my laundry (which is to say, both loads).  And then I sat down on my couch to spend some time with the Itallian Stallion from Philadelphia.

Things I learned from Rocky III:
1.  Clubber Lang, aka Mr. T, really DID say "I pity the fool."  He was talking about Rocky.  Who's pitying whom, now, Clubber?  HUNH?

2.  Clubber Lang wore clip on feather hair extensions a long time before the hipster kids got ahold of them.
3.  I still want a feather hair extension but my hair is short so it would look weird.
4.  No way, in real life, would any Rocky fight not be called on a TKO.
5.  For that matter, why the fuck doesn't Rocky guard his face?  WHY?  That's Boxing 101, folks.

Things I learned from Rocky IV:
1.  Russians are all crazy blonde and icy-blue-eyed, and they want to kill us.  Because Americans are assholes.
2.  Rocky looks better with a beard, but I'm still not sure why anybody found this man attractive.

3.  Talia Shire is fine, but it's hard for me to understand why a mob boss family girl would hook up with a loser from Philly.
4.  "I Must Bldreak You" is my favorite line in the movie.


Note:  I recognize that I'm mixing media, here, but that's the way my brain works.  Also, I'm not at all sure how ol' Lando's name is supposed to be spelled, and I sure as shit am not looking it up.

Note:  All generalizations are, of course, ridiculous, and I happen to be madly in love with two small russians, one of whom is a blonde but who, I think, does not want to kill me.  Usually.

Seriously, what I want to note is how freaking Amer'ca Rocky movies are.  Oh, we are going to insinuate that Russians are evil, because it is 1987 and we have been thinking they are going to hit the red button any ol' day for 30 years?  That's cool, because we have a pet robot who can talk.  And who might or might not jerk off the loser Uncle Paulie.

(nice product placement, Baskin.)

WHAT.  THE.  FUCK, Amer'ca?  I hate how freaking sanctimonious we come across in that movie.  It's embarrassing.  I kinda wanna be like, hey guys?  This?  This is why they hate us.

Well, this and Rambo.

Sylvester Stallone single handedly cost America its reputation.

I jest.  But it sure didn't help.


And not just because of the amazi-crazy good Survivor Song Burning Heart, Rocky IV remains my favorite Rocky Movie.  I love the little guy beating out the giant.  I love Amer'ca beating the commies, I admit it.  I think maybe this movie helped spur on the fall of the iron curtain.  I love the lesbian-swimming-champion-wife-who-is-a-prized-athlete-herself-but-who-smokes (ALL EVIL PEOPLE SMOKE).

 I love Beard Rocky Running Up a Mountain.
I love Rocky.  And I learn stuff from it.

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