1. Sister Wives: Meri and her daughter, Meriah (Meri-ugh), will cry a lot. The family will continue to think it is fun to shock people by announcing their polygamy, and they will continue to be surprised when people think that it is weird that they are polygamists. And Meri will cry about it. Christine will be mad that Cody (kody?) (xody?) doesn't spend enough time with her, and will name any children she mothers something earthy and oddly-spelled, but which will nearly constitute a sentence by itself. Truely. Which is misspelled, anyway. Her next kid needs a verb-name. I'm going to call him Biking. Biking Brown. Only it needs to be misspelled, so maybe Bykyng. Truely, Bykyng Aspyn. Truely Bykyng, Aspyn. See?
2. Dance Moms: Abby Lee Miller will continue to lose weight on the hush hush (she's been doing it, do your own comparison, see if I didn't call this bitch,) and later on it will be revealed that, remember last year, when Abby was gone-girl-gone for a few weeks? Lap. Band. You heard it here first, kids. In other news, Blonde Christy will continue to hate Payton's mom, who I don't even think has a real name. Sayton. That's what I'll call her. And they might bitch-slap each other, if we are really lucky.
3. Sleepy Hollow: ... ...
...
...
Oh, sorry, I was just fantasizing thinking about the ridiculously fine man talented actor that plays Ichabod. Dudes. Oh, not so talented, you say? WHO GIVES A SHIT. Have you seen him?
I think there is a plot to this show, but I really don't know what it is, and that's fine because HAVE YOU SEEN HIM? My prediction is this: I'm going to drool while that show is on.
4. The New Girl: Jess will continue to be little-Sarah. Her knitting and wearing of socks will increase, her quanitity of sex will decrease, and she may join a "women's group" at a church.
5. The Olympics: Sarah will become an expert critique on toboggan, ice dancing, and luge. All other sports will be viewed with wonder, and Sarah will turn up the thermostat inside the house to 77 degrees, as watching snow makes her feel really cold.
6. Post-season Football: The Panthers will win the Superbowl.
7. Love It or List It: Expensive homes in Southern Canada will be remodeled, during which process (pronounced PROHHH-cess) old water/fire/other major structural damage will be uncovered, which will cost 60% of the remodeling budget, thus forgoing having their bathroom/kitchen/basement being finished, resulting in pouty homeowners and a smirky David, who will then show them 1/2 million dollar homes in the area that will meet their needs. Approximately 55% of the time, OR however often the wife doesn't want to move, they end up staying in their old house, and David is shit out of luck, except his opportunity to wear a bitchin sport coat.
8. Dog With a Blog, or Jessie, Which May or May Not Be The Same Show: Sarah will walk past the bedroom tv playing this show, wherein a precocious teenager talks with the FAKEST FUCKING VOICE EVER. The end.
(for the record, I just subjected myself to a TORTUROUS ten minutes of Disney Channel - and Nickelodeon - online clips to try to find the FAKEST FUCKING VOICE EVER show for you, so I could prove my point, and it was a huge fail. Also, I'm at work, so I'm watching Disney clips at work. How professional, indeed.)
(please note, I'm not troubled at all that I go unprofessional and blog at work, but watch wholesome programs targeted for children? UNACCEPTABLE.)
UPDATED: HERE IS THE SHOW. Go to 9:10 and see if you are not choked with rage by this crazy fake voice. Props to C-luv Doodlebug for INSTANTLY knowing which show I was talking about when I asked him last night.
I think that's enough television to get you going this season. If I overlooked something important, let me know.
And if anybody wants to put money on whomever (Seattle) else that might make the superbowl (Seattle), OR on the AFC team to play against Carolina (Seattle), let me know...
In the meantime polish up your remote, let's get viewing!
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