Rain Delay

It's raining.  Poor ol' Louisiana has gone so long since its last "real" storm that everybody is all a-buzz because, you know... it's raining.

Technically, there is a Tropical Storm hanging on top of us right now, and technically, it could develop into a Hurricane.  A little, teensy, tinsy baby hurricane.  But right now... it's raining.

All this being said, I was supposed to run a four mile race, largely over this bridge, on Sunday, and I was very relieved that they postponed the race:

Do you know me?  Do you know that I am effing PETRIFIED of bridges, that I don't know what in the Sam Hill I was thinking because I can barely drive over bridges, and so I was planning to run over one, because... why?

Because I am a dumbhead.

So instead, I'm going to watch movies and hang out with my babies, cook lots of food that makes my house smell yummy, and do laundry.  I suspect that I will NOT run at all.  Because, you know... it's a tropical storm.

On another note, Beanie got his learner's permit this week, and I've let him drive pretty much everywhere, but I am certainly not going to let him drive in a Tropical Storm.  So that's a completely other "win."  Tee hee.

Happy weekend, everybody.  Thanks, Tropical Storm/Rainstorm Lee!

Eventually, they will reschedule this race, but I'll (HAHAHA) cross that bridge when I come to it.

Storm Chaser

Sarie loves her a good storm.  Apparently, I have a lot of company who also loves a good storm, because here is the thing:

1) I give you "Karen," who is so not-scary as to not even have a well-defined eye.

(Hi, Karen!)
(Isn't she cute?)

I predict that she will bring to me rain, some rain, a little but not a lot of wind, and some rain.  During which I STILL have to run 8 miles.

So.  Um, Karen?  Could you hold off until after I get my run in on Saturday morning?  kthanksbai

2)  I give you Karen-panic:
https://www.facebook.com/TropicalStormKaren?ref=br_tf
---She has a facebook!

Here is a sample of the commenting, so far:

Vicki Mitchell is a dumbass.

Oh, Louisiana.

What I am most looking forward to is the drinking, the cooking, the jigsaw-puzzling, the spending time with little kids that are my own, the cat-snuggling.

I may or may not have mentioned yet that I have QUIT SMOKING (again) (shut up) (this time I am sticking to it) (at least for now) and so I'm kind of dreading the quiet there-is-nothing-to-do-and-I-can't-even-go-smoke part, but otherwise, Bringy ony a little storm.

I love a storm.

Mother Fucking Rock Star

Look, y'all, there's a lot of bad stuff happening at Sarah's House and it's bullshit and unpleasent and bad, but it's important that I tell y'all about something good, so here goes.

Remember when I told you about the bridge race?  The one that was cancelled because of the mercy of the Baby Jesus Tropical Storm Lee?

It got rescheduled. 

I had still, you know, paid for it and all, so... I kind of still needed to run it.

Over this bridge (just to remind you):

(I believe this is looking toward the West Bank)

Anyway, so the race was rescheduled to October 9.  Almost two weeks ago, already.

At the start line, I was really dismayed to see the turnout.  There were probably only about 250 or 300 racers.  I figure, the fewer the racers, the more likely I am to be last*.

Additionally, I was freaking terrified, like to the point where my hands were shaking.  I had peppered the girl behind me on the shuttle bus** on the way over to the starting point, asking her about the route, whether to be scared, etc, but it didn't do much to calm my nerves.  I'm so flipping afraid of heights.

The first mile was almost completely flat ground, just getting to the bridge.  Then you start up and on-ramp, with a long, long, long, long, long but slow ascent.  It felt good, running uphill.  As I rounded a curve, I started to joke around with the other runners, including a SLIDELL XCOUNTRY GIRL as I passed her.  KABOOM.

And so it kept going up.  And up.  And up.

I swear, by the time I was actually on the bridge, all I could think of was that soon it would stop being an uphill route.  The lane for the runners was way wide and comfortable, and as long as I stayed far from the edge, I was okay.  There were three of those metal grate-type thingees that I had to run over, underneath which was the Mississippi.  That part was ridiculous.  I tried to kind of hop over them.

Finally flattened out right before the end of mile three.  And here's the thing:  Mile four was almost completely downhill.

I've never run uphill before, but also... I have never run downhill and Oh.  Glorious.  God, is that ever fun.

I rocked that part, probably doing that last mile in 8 or 9 minutes.

Total time was 58:00 (even numbers are fun) which is far from outstanding, but I do not care.  58 minutes to run over a 300 foot high bridge, mostly uphill, and come out smiling.  It was amazing.

I called T-Rex, my former running buddy, who has abandoned me for Les Mills***, to tell her about the event.

"Hello?" she said.

"I'm a MOTHER FUCKING ROCK STAR!!!" I said.

She agreed.

*I was not last.  I beat like, several people.  Maybe 50 or more.  Not really sure, they do not seem to be concerned about posting times online (effers.)  I definitely did beat the girl from the local high school cross country team, who, incidentally, did not know Beanie despite him having been on varsity last year.

**The shuttle bus was a defunct school bus, and careening up the on-ramp, over the far-right-hand lane of the bridge, and down again, was by far the scariest part of the whole day.

***Les Mills' name is way too similar to Les Miles.  Also, I'm jealous of people who get to belong to a gym.



Blow

I don't know if it is a freak thing or what, but there are literally hundreds and hundreds of dragonflies swarming right now.  My kitten knows something is up, too.  Animals really can sense strange weather, can't they?

As you know, Isaac, a Big Bad Tropical Storm, is pointed right at me.  I'm actually pretty excited, being that I super big love weather, but I do wish I were not at work right now.  Oddly, my folks, who live right at the water, keep begging me to come to their house.  I can't do that, though, because my plans involve wearing panties and a tank top and drinking beer, pretty much constantly.  Boom!  Hello, Hurricane!

Anyway, my big kid is at college, and he wants to stay there, so I'm going to let him.  If the power goes out up there, I can always go and get him later.  Whatever.

The little boy will probably not have school at all the rest of this week, but certainly not tomorrow or Wednesday.  Ergo, this girl is not working, either.  I wouldn't have to, anyway, because I'm government, by God, and the government has already said we are closing up shop.  God I love everything.

And so, I'm preparing for some good wind (the gusts have already started) and some rain.  We will do jigsaw puzzles and listen to my iPod.  We will read books and play board games and comfort the kitten.  We will snuggle on the air mattress in the living room, if it feels like the right thing to do.  We are going to have a good time.

Wish me luck, people!  Bring it on, Isaac!  I'd like a bloody Mary, and your signature wink, please...

Jim Cantore Secret Lover

Let's play pretendies.  We like this game.

Pretend I'm a yankee, one that says "you guys" instead of "y'all."  Not one that says "youse guys" because, come on now.  I can't pretend to be that person.

Believe me, there is NOTHING wrong with that person, but I'm just not one of those people.

The ants named Joyce, that lived at Janie's house for a while?  THEY were those people.

I digress, and only she will know what I'm talking about.  Oh well.

Anyway, back to being a You Guys Yankee.

I'd be all, oh, look a wicked bad storm is coming in.  That wicked bad sucks.  It's going to be wicked cold and kinda shitty.

(instead of the way I usually would say something like, "ohhhh heyyy, look, y'all, it's gwine be windy and curazy outsahd, and by the way, y'all wanna go get somethin' to drank?")

You'd think you were not really going to be all Perfect Stormy, right?  And then what would happen?  You would turn on the Weather Channel, right?  And guess what you would see?

CANTORE.

http://jezebel.com/5955815/fuck-marry-kill-all-jim-cantore-severe-weather-edition

Just saying.

(by the way, I kind of super love him, so I think it goes without saying which I would choose.  I'm not the marryin' kind.)

Sarie Has a Dream House!

If I were to describe to you my dream house, this would not be it.  I'm not going to lie, I'm sitting here, right now, sighing as I look at my rental's fireplace, remembering how it would smell up the whole house with smoke and drive both children out of the family room...  oh, good times.

But in the end, my dream house actually would cost me, like, a half million dollars.  And I don't have that much money, and nobody is fool enough to lend me that much money, and I wouldn't be able to pay them back, anyway.  So what we have here is me, avoiding foreclosure.  Well in advance.

Barbie never had Chet the Repo Man, did she?  She so should have.  Although we all know that Day Barbie earned supplemental income from Night Barbie, if you get my drift.  Which is to say, Barbie was a whore.  I think I digress.

Here's the thing:  Dreams are stupid.  Reality fucking rocks.  My reality is that the house is mine, officially.  When I broke into it this evening, it was fine, because I was breaking into MY OWN HOUSE.  

Here are some pictures.  

This is Caleb's room:

Yeah, I have a shelf thingee all up in the corner in here, what-WHAT? 

Hall bathroom:

Floors are pretty.  Subway tile backsplash suits me fine, although it looks pretty nassssty.  The sink rocks, though.  And this room has a secret...

Behind the bathroom door, you find:

Oh my god, you guys, seriously.  This is my favorite thing in the whole house.  A built-in, in the bathroom, and see that panel?  You know what that is? A FUCKING BUILT-IN LAUNDRY HAMPER IS WHAT THAT IS.  Jealous?  YOU SHOULD BE.  IT'S AMAZING.

This here is my master bedroom.  Please note, the carpets are all being removed.  Tomorrow.  Not kidding, tomorrow.  Seriously.  Because they are horrifying.  My real estate agent looked into this room and said, "oh, here's where they did the murder."  I'm going to miss him:

Vanity in my bedroom, vanity in my bedroom, vanity in my bedroom!!!

You know who looks awesome in this room?  Or who would, if their seven year old kid was a wizard with an iphone camera?  Me.  That's who.  Whom.  Dammit, I can't even be cool without using correct grammar.

Booyah.

Sometimes, you look at something, and go, now why...  for example... why would someone put trim on the outside of a bathtub.  Yep.  My bathtub looks like a dining room wall.  The bottom half of a dining room wall.  On the other hand, that there's jets in that there tub!  God only knows if they work, but we gonna have a fine time finding out.  See the potty?  I can rest my wine glass on that.  Lord, I think I just overshared...

What you can't tell is that there is a small vanity light over a completely blank space between the toilet and the door, so over nothing, along with an arm-level plug.  Obvs, there used to be a "his" sink in this part of the bathroom, which is no longer there.  What WILL be in that space is either a cupboardy thingee or a big ol' basket o' towels.

What up, walk-in closet.  Not like the rental's "walk-ins," where you kind of have to shimmy in sideways to get to the back parts.  This one has rails on both sides, and guesswhatguesswhatguesswhat??!!

Shelving unit in the closet!  For my...  shelfy things.

This is a pretty room, and it has been decided that it will be the guest room.  The primary reason for this decision is that the window opens onto the screened-in-porch (hereafter known as "la hacienda"), and I figure, if I put the baby in there, I'll be out there knitting drinking wine and talking on the phone to my mom hosting posh fiestas with my loco friends, and we will be appropriately noisy (note:  I've already begun operation-friend-the-neighbor-chick), so I don't want to keep El Nino awake.  Also, I don't want this to be the playroom, because I don't want to hear all the kids making so much god damn noise.  Also, when my friends come visit, I expect them to be drinking on La Hacienda with me!

Your room is pretty close to ready for you to come visit.  Make it so!

Here we have the playroom.  "What the fuck is on the window," you asked?  It's a weird screen with bars built in.  I DO NOT KNOW WHY.  Bitch is coming down.  That's on the "short list."  This room is tiny but it will be awesome for playing Skylanders and acting out plays with finger puppets.  That's what he do, yo.

Or, we could leave the bars on, and make it hard for him to sneak out when he is a teenager!

On  to the family room.

 Note the door to La Hacienda out the back.  Also note, this light fixture is on the short list, too.  Also note, no fireplace (frowny face).  Also note, Vanna is doing a kick-ass job of selling this house!

I get to buy a rug!! YES INDEED.

La Hacienda!  Hola!  Ole!  Tengo Dos Ijos...

At first, I was like, gotta paint that green thing.  Now I'm like, gotta paint the concrete floor so it matches that green thing.  This is going to be the coolest porch ever- all Dia De La Muerta and shit.  

Vanna is just modeling La Hacienda for you:

Hola!

We have a little strip of back yard.  Right now, it's growing holly as ground cover.  I had no idea that was even an option.  There are also some weird, semi-scary fluffy plant thingees at the base of that tree that may or may not rise from the ground and attack after dark.  Too much Zelda?  Maybe yes.

We don't need a back yard, because I'm a kid who never goes outside!

This is the eating place.  The house has a formal room that can't decide if it wants to be a living room or a dining room, so we are going to call it a living room, so we can stop hearing it bitch and whine.  That leaves this space for the food consumption, a breakfast room that is remarkably like ours in the rental, only with real tile and no linoleum, and fewer dead spiders.  SO FAR.

It's not a boob light!  It's got leaves, but no birds.  WE ARE SATISFIED.

Our kitchen is sucky.  BUT, those holes will be filled with Brand New Appliances, and there is a tile backsplash (GETTING FANCY ALL IN HERE), and the sink is awesome, and the faucet is awesome, and who really gives a shit, anyway, because it's not like I cook, nearly ever.

He looks like a tap dancer.  Also, the cabinets are those french white stained things that are so trendy on HGTV right now, so obvs, I'm moving to Canada, only I'm NOT because it's fucking COLD in Canada.

100% of this picture was to brag to Janie that I get a pantry.  Note, it's pretty nasty, with the old floor, some reddish death dirt, and crappy shelving, but my dad is good at cutting boards to shapes, and I will buy a SECOND rug, if that's what it takes.  It's a pantry.  I am content.

Note to self:  Kitchen gets late afternoon sunlight.

So.  Funny thing about the doors.  First, note the pretty floors.  Try and pretend there isn't an attractive boob right above your head, and notice the doors.  The big door is leaded glass, and I LOVE IT with a big squee girly kind of "can we be best friends and I'll braid your hair" kind of love.  LOVE.  The other door looks awful, it's a storm door, and I don't live in Canada (see above), so this is probably unnecessary, so there's about a 70% chance I will take it down, but...  it's so freaking cool.  It's kitchy, it's orange plastic, and I know, I know, your mamaw had one just like it in 1979, but dang...  It's mod, you know?  I just can't decide...

All in all, though, a nice, welcoming entry way.  Which also seems to get late afternoon sun.  Weird.

This is the formal living room (DECLARED SO AS OF RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE.)  See that cut-out area, back behind Susanna Hoff?  (by the way, if you get that, I just love you so much I want to make out with you right now) Should I put a couch there, or make my dad build me built-ins.  Seriously, what do you think?  The door to your left (Susanna's right) leads to the kitchen, so I just have visions of having fancy grown-ups come over for coffee, and although we will likely sit in La Hacienda, it's possible that we might need fancy time, and this will be the fancy time room.  With coffee.  So it's totally awesome that the kitchen is right there.  Which does sort of make me think Dining Room, but I have declared it, so...

Hey oh, way, oh, oh wayyyyyoh way oh...

With every house we looked at, I tried to find something special about it, in case we bought it.  Something that would make him ADORE this house above all others.  The first offer, he was devastated because he lost a retaining pond behind the back yard and cannot, now, catch tadpoles.  AS IF HE WAS GOING TO CATCH TADPOLES.  But not kidding, devastated.  This house, I sold him the tree.  "That's your climbing tree," I told him.  I bet, by February, he is all the way up to the crook at the top of this picture.  Lucky kid.  I was stuck climbing apple trees, he's got his own live oak.

My mother said that, when she was a kid, she would climb trees and drop acorns and pine cones down on the chickens in the yard, playing Bombs Over Tokyo.  There are so many things I could say about that statement.  

So that's pretty much it.  As I mentioned, I met the neighbor, Nicole, who I hope will come and have a drink on La Hacienda every now and again.  Come to think of it, there isn't a gate on that side of the house, dammit.  She is going to have to come around or come through the house.  That's all right... anyway, I met her, because her brother parked his truck in my driveway tonight, when I needed to unload Round One of the Great Move of 2014.  They were super cool about it, though, and she has a little dog that's, I don't know, a Shih Tsu or something, and it's name is Gismo or Gonzo or something, and that's fine.  It's going to be weird to live directly next door to someone who is younger than 70 and doesn't (so it seems) beat his wife.  I hope we become friends.  On the other side, those people appear (see above) to have a boat, so they are nice people.  Boat people are nice people.

I'm ready to get the moving on the road.

Ready to have a drink on La Hacienda!