I was a sorority girl. Shocking, I know, but I deliberately chose a crappy, smaller sorority, one that was known for partying and one that was, although I didn't know it, imminently in danger of losing its charter at the end of my freshman year. Which it did. We all went alum. Me, I thought it was great, because I was drunk the whole year, and nobody brought me before standards, and I was knocked up by the end of the spring term but got to go alum before anybody could kick me out like they did to Penny, who got CAUGHT WITH A BOY IN HER ROOM. Poor Penny.
Anyway, so I was a little tiny yankee in a gaggle of big-haired southern girls, all of whom were at least six months older than me. Note: I'm not really a yankee, but I went to high school in Connecticut, where I learned how to play lacross and field hockey, which are both stupid games, although the uniforms for field hockey involve a plaid skirt and knee-high socks. That shit is cute.
Anyway, so there was ONE OTHER GIRL in the whole sorority who was also from New England. Her name was Stacy, and I swear to God, I think she was probably the most fun in our sorority. However, she hated me. HATED ME. It was visceral, and I think it was chemical, because I did not deserve her wrath, truly. I wanted nothing more than to be as cool as Stacy was.
In efforts to get her into Team Sarah, I tried to be witty and awesome. One time, she mentioned that she had been out all night, the night before, dancing on the "beach," which is a strip of dirty sand between two of LSU's lakes. I was young enough for that to have sounded AHMAZINGOHMGOSHAWESOME, so I tried to join the convo. "I want to be like you. All 'fuck the world - but use a condom.'" In retrospect, I fully understand that she basically heard me call her a whore, but that is not at all what I meant. I meant, I want to be free-spirited, to do what I want, to live life to the fullest... but no. Also, I was probably drunk.
Anyway, she went hot-red in the face. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY," she spat at me. Terrified - mind you, I was little, very young, and drunk - and Stacy wasn't a tiny petite girl, although she was short. She definitely could kick my ass - I go, "um... fuck... the world but... use a condom? You know, because it's awesome..." and she came at me. Fists a'flying.
I'd have just taken my ass-kicking, but my Extremely Conservative Southern Baptist Naturally Curly-Haired Big Sis (and she brushed her curls into a fluff of frizz every day, god love her), uncharacteristically jumped in between us. "YOU WILL LEAVE MY LIL SIS* ALONE," she shouted. Pretty much everybody else in the room froze and stared, including me. Including Stacy. "SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT AND NOBODY WILL BEAT UP MY LIL SIS*."
I mean, seriously. Wendy got pissy if you turned the channel while she was watching Days. She was a wimp. She was the kind of person that we freaked out by forcing her to watch porn so we could all laugh at her responses to it. Wendy was a homebody, and she was NOT the kind of person to get into a fight. Me, maybe. But not Wendy.
And just like that, the fight was over, thanks to my freaking hero, Wendy. Stacy would have broken my nose.
I have fished Stacy out on Facebook (we are still very much not friends, although one of her besties is a girl I really like a lot and get along with well), and she owns a hair studio or some such, in a place like Michigan. I mean, I think I win, Stacy. I may be poor as a church mouse, but I don't ever have to wash anybody else's hair, and I use mah brayun fo' a livin'. And I don't have to live in Michigan. So there's that, too.
But I still just sit in awe, thinking about Wendy - a girl whose first email address was a french phrase that meant "Queen Wendy" or something equally nerdy - a girl whose first car was a mini-van, for Chrissake**, that's the girl that got my back.
But you know what I always say... fuck the world.
But use a condom.
*Yes, we actually said "lil sis" and "big sis." I have no idea why it didn't sound douchey to us back then.
** Yes, my first car was also, actually, a minivan. shut the fuck up.
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